


I Will Not Let This Consume Me

by gloatingraccoon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Awkwardness, Bathing/Washing, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon Compliant, Communication Failure, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Friendship, Gen, Graphic Depicitions of Illness, Homestuck Shipping World Cup, Introspection, Loneliness, Nudity, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pre-Sburb/Sgrub, Quadrant Confusion, Rejection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-13
Updated: 2013-06-13
Packaged: 2017-12-14 21:32:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/841617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloatingraccoon/pseuds/gloatingraccoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are Eridan Ampora and you keep telling yourself you’re doing everything you can to save this relationship, that you’re not going to let your true feelings consume you and ruin everything. And you’re flat out lying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Not Let This Consume Me

**Author's Note:**

> “I will not let this consume me, he thinks, but thoughts, like men, often fail.” — the science of a tilting axis  
> HSWC fill for Bonus Round 1, based on prompt by DW user absolutecapriciousness.

I.

You don't remember when you met her. Somewhere in your first sweeps there's the reflection of two curved horns, then a mane of frizzy hair, two huge eyes and earfins and a curious smile emerging from the water near your hive, but you don't know if it's real or if your imagination pieced it together over time. As far as you know, she's always been there.

For a long time she's the only troll you know in person. You eat raw squid together and suck off the ink from your fingers. You help each other hunt to keep your lusi fed. You brush her hair, she cuts yours. You rant at her, she makes fun of you until she makes you laugh it off. You play the evil wizard, she plays the heroic cowgirl out to change your ways for the better. You glub at each other.

One night she tells you she's pale for you, and you think it's awesome. You are the Heiress' moirail, and who else could ever be worthy of that honour but you, a prince, second only to herself? You're going to take such good care of each other. You're going to be such a perfect pair.

It's like you were made for each other.

* * *

II.

You're growing up.

The moment Vriska enters the picture, you know you are black for her. Every duel with her feels like holding the world between your fingers only for it to shatter in sharp fangs of glass, leaving you wanting more. She's as tall as you, all spindly, wiry muscle, all blazing, deadly power and no elegance, and a silver tongue you desperately need to bite off. One night she almost lets you think you've won before she pins you against the railing of the ship you've just raided and shoves her mouth on yours. Your first kiss is wet and sloppy and awkward and her fangs sink in your lip, and you bite back. She smells of salt and sweat and you want to grab her and hold her close, but she won't let you. She pushes you back and flashes you a gleeful grin before snapping off your neck the antique locket you've been fighting over, and disappearing with her loot.

You're left shaking and breathless and too dumbfounded to react, your body stiff and alight with shivers and a flesh deep need you've never felt before.

Feferi cleans your wounds and berates you for your recklessness, but then, oh dear, she notices how flustered you get when talking about Vriska and she won't stop teasing you about it. Eri got a hate crush, that's so CUT---E! That only makes you flush even more and usually she can get under your skin and manage to cheer you up, but for the first time it actually bothers you and you're not sure why. You snap at her, only to apologize as soon as you see her eyes go wide in both hurt and outrage. You tell her you're just tired and cranky, and you've been through a lot tonight, and you'd like to go swim with her to blow off some steam.

She accepts your apology and your invitation, and she smiles. She smiles because she knows you gladly weasel your way out of swimming whenever you can, unless it's to spend some time together or cheer her up with one of her favourite activities. She smiles, and there's something different about the way she smiles, or maybe it's just your way of looking at her that's changed. She's not just smiling on her own and looking at you in the meanwhile: she's smiling at you. She's smiling because you made her smile, although you were also the one who got her mad in the first place.

You're not sure what just happened, but you like that thought.

* * *

III.

You ask Karkat what he thinks, and he mocks you in some overly descriptive way for being so uptight that you can't even talk about your concupiscent quadrants with your moirail, who should be there for that in the first place. But then again, he adds that this is all new for you. You're still growing up after all and a little confusion is to be expected. Which is why you should follow his awesome advice and stop being an embarrassment to your species, or something to that effect.

* * *

IV.

She's not as patient with you as she used to be. She has her reasons, of course: talking to her is becoming harder each night, and talking to Karkat is surprisingly easier for some reason. She's jealous, and not even in a subtle way. It's her own way, tactless, loud and condescending, but always with a smile on her face.

You're not wigglers anymore, and you can't fix everything with a round of cowgirls and wizards. You're growing up and something is not working and you don't know what it is. You do know that your own patience is running short lately, and your temper blows for the most inane things. Sometimes you get upset because she doesn't look at you, and you fucking need her to look at you, and you can't even tell her because how weird is that, where is that feeling coming from?

So you tell Karkat.

CG: ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU KNUCKLESPONGED ASSHOLE ARE FLUSHING RED FOR YOUR MOIRAIL.  
CG: BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE AND I'M GOING TO SLICE UP MY BULGE AND MAKE A FUCKING SALAD BEFORE I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW FUCKED UP THAT IS.  
CA: wwhat no  
CA: a course not wwhat do you take me for  
CA: wwere fated moirails an thats really all there is to say on the matter

Really. The idea is just so patently absurd. Quadrant confusion only happens to self centered losers and assholes, and you are most definitely not one of those.

* * *

V.

That night you wake up cold and shaking with fever in your recuperacoon with your throat torn by stinging hot needles, and you have a moment of confusion before realizing that you haven't gone to sleep with your cape. It's your neck gills. They're so swollen and itchy it feels like they're trying to choke you, and you reach to stroke them tentatively with your sopor-dripping fingers only to make the pain worse in a wave of fire, and loudly curse your stupidity. You must have caught something, and you really, really hope it's not gill pox because the only thing left to do would be trying to keep the fever down and wait it out. You grip the border of your recuperacoon to get up - you need to get your lusus, you need to warn Fef that you can't hunt today, you need to get some water because you've never felt so thirsty - and you have a moment to gasp as your shaking limbs slip and give in, before two strong hands grab you under your arms, preventing you from slamming your fangs into the edge.

"Sealy, what do you think you're doing?"

She's here. You don't know why or how, but Feferi is here. She helps you up and wraps her arms around you, and you don't give a shit that you're stark naked and dripping sopor all over her, she is here with you and this is all that matters.

"You didn't answer my messages and I got worried," she whispers, examining your neck gills with a frown. "Let's get you fixed up, ok?"

She holds you every step of the way as she carries you to the ablution block and fills the tub, then she helps you lower yourself in. You shudder at first, adjusting to the temperature, but soon the warmth soothes your shivers. She sits on the edge of the tub, pouring some water on your head to get your hair wet, and she smiles at you. Your feverish blood pusher gives a little jolt at that. How you've missed this, just being with her like this, just you and her, no need to talk or argue or fight, how you've missed seeing her smiling like that, smiling at you, smiling for you.

You swallow. Somewhere in the back of your mind a familiar anxiety stirs, as if you had forgotten something, something important, and now you were just a hair's breadth from finding it again.

She stands up and you want to ask her to stay, but as she turns her back to you to slide down her sopor-stained skirt, you know she isn't going anywhere. She drops her bangles and necklaces, and you gulp down a sour lump in your throat as she peels out of her swimsuit and gets in the tub, cuddling behind you. She wraps her arms around your shoulders, her bare thighs brushing yours, her breasts pressed against your back, and you can't help but shiver all over, flushing. Her soft chuckle bounces on your skin, and it only makes the shiver worse.

"Shorey, I must be colder than you," she says. And yes, she is. But you know that's not the point. You know you're just lucky you're too weak and sickly right now for your body to function properly, or things would really get embarrassing. You draw your knees closer to your chest just in case.

Her hands sink in your hair, lathering it with shampoo, and you finally relax under her soothing touch. You try to rationalize this. You tell yourself there's nothing weird about it. You used to share a shower all the time when you were younger, and it was no big deal at all. Of course you were wigglers back then, and now that you're growing up, your body has new needs. When confronted with a pretty, naked young troll, it reacts accordingly. Attraction is just chemistry, pheromones, neurotransmitters and all of that shit. It doesn't have to mean anything. It's just like the first time you saw Karkat on webcam and you thought that permanent grumpy pout on his face was kinda cute.

Except not. It's not like that time. Not at all. You don't need Karkat the way you need her. You don't need him to look at you, you don't need him to smile at you. To smile for you.

You turn barely to your right and you meet her glance, huge bright eyes behind long lashes, and her smile. That smile. And it's now, only now, right when all she's doing is taking care of you like a moirail would, that the thought sinks in, and you realize every fiber of yourself has been trying to tell you from a while, you just haven't been listening. You realize that the reason why this hasn't been working lately is simply that this is not what you want anymore.

You are flushed for her.

* * *

VI.

CG: WILL YOU SHUT YOUR DRAMA VALVE FOR A SECOND AND LISTEN TO ME, DIPSHIT.  
CG: YOU EITHER GO AND TELL HER RIGHT NOW, OR I'M PERSONALLY GOING TO SHOVE YOUR FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR OWN ASS YOU WILL HAVE TO CRACK YOUR TOES TO CHEW.  
CG: DUDE, I'M SERIOUS. YOU DON'T LIE TO YOUR MOIRAIL LIKE THIS.  
CA: kar are you fuckin insane  
CA: you dont evven throww a swweeps long friendship awway like this for that matter  
CA: i cant tell her ok i dont wwanna mess thins up  
CA: wwhat if i wweird her out an she doesnt wwant me around anymore  
CA: wwhat wwould i do then kar  
CA: no i just need to think about it clear my mind  
CA: think a the best wway to approach this  
CA: wwait for the right moment  
CG: WHAT MOMENT EXACTLY? THE ONE WHEN SHE'LL RANDOMLY REVEAL TO YOU THAT SHE'S BEEN LONGING TO TOUCH YOU INDISCREETLY ALL ALONG? OR THE ONE WHEN SHE'LL FINALLY NOTICE YOU AND FALL FOR THE RED SOLICITATIONS YOU'RE NOT EVEN MAKING BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO SCARED?  
CG: ANSWER ME THAT. BECAUSE I CAN'T EVEN TELL IF YOU BELIEVE THE RUBBISH THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH ANYMORE.  
CA: wwhat the fuck kar i dont need this kinda bullshit from you  
CG: OK, SORRY. BUT IF YOU'RE WAITING FOR ME TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR, YOU'RE TALKING TO THE WRONG TROLL.  
CG: LISTEN, DUDE, I GET THAT IT'S PRETTY FUCKED UP AND COMPLICATED. BUT WHAT'S YOUR PLAN? WAIT YOUR OWN FEELINGS OUT? WAIT FOR THINGS TO MAGICALLY SOLVE THEMSELVES?  
CA: holy shit wwill you give it a rest i knoww magic isnt real kar  
CG: OH MY GOD WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN. OF COURSE MAGIC ISN'T REAL. THAT WAS THE POINT.  
CA: i just need time kar ok this is a lot for me to handle  
CG: I'M JUST WORRIED THIS IS GOING TO WEAR YOU OUT AND YOU'LL END UP DOING SOMETHING STUPID.  
CA: i knoww  
CA: thanks for the talk i guess  
CG: I'M HERE IF YOU NEED ME, OK? WE'LL SORT THIS OUT.

* * *

VII.

You keep staring at her lips much more than what would be healthy. You keep fantasizing over finally finding the courage to tell her, over a future when she'll be the most loved and feared Empress of all time, and you her consort and admiral, ready to smite any who oppose her. You keep hiding your true feelings. You keep walling her out.

You keep telling yourself you're doing everything you can to save your relationship, that you're not going to let this consume you and ruin everything. And you're flat out lying.

* * *

VIII.

She doesn't want to be your moirail anymore. She doesn't want to be your matesprit either. She just wants to be regular friends instead. She's even joking and doing the fish pun thing, as if it isn't such a big deal to her. You know it's just her way to try and cheer you up, but it doesn't mean it's working. It stopped working a long time ago. Looks like you really ruined everything in the end, just not as you expected.

You need to talk to Karkat.

* * *

IX.

You don't remember the moment you met her, and you don't remember how life was before her. As far as you know, she's always been there.

She doesn't need you, not the way you need her. You have to learn to live without that need, and you have no idea how.

You've never felt so alone in your entire life.

CA: kar  
CA: hey  
CA: do you think you could drop by here on lowwaa  
CG: THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE FROM YOUR LEADER. I'M BUSY DOING STUFF LIKE KICKING OGRE ASS AND I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, BUT I'LL GET BACK TO YOU LATER.  
CA: uh wwoww  
CA: ok  
CA: later then


End file.
